Used to do

I woke up this morning with sad thoughts… thinking about when to go from “I do these cool things,” to “I used to do these cool things.” My feet hurt so I can’t dance. I haven’t woven anything in years; there has been a single project since 2013, and that one was like sleepwalking. I haven’t made soap, drawn anything noteworthy, sewn a costume, made silk. I’m wondering if I’ll raise silkworms this year, or if that will go into the pile of things I used to do. I contemplate tearing out the roses and passionflowers, and letting the yard go back to grass, or just letting it grow up like a jungle.

I know that some of this is a natural result of getting older, but I feel like I’m tottering around in two rooms of a mansion, with many rooms locked up and the once-beautiful furniture under sheets.

The embroidery project that I did last year gave me a burst of energy, and I’m hoping that I can jump-start the creative engine somehow… but it’s becoming, more and more, the creative life of somebody I used to be.

4 thoughts on “Used to do

  • by Sara

    Some of his may just be the ebb and flow of seasons. It’s good to take a break and come back fresh. And if you don’t come back? You will be on to something else!

  • by Michael This is post author

    yeah… I’m trying to get a handle on whether I’m dealing with “I used to spin and weave, but now I do X and Y instead… ” or if I’m dealing with “I used to be a creative person, but then I had this emotional crash and I just don’t do that creative shit anymore.” The brief flashes of creative energy feel more and more like flukes, less and less like the real thing.

  • by Bryan

    Dear Michael..I really really know how you feel. Trust me. I know. I don’t have time for serendipity. When all those good things used to happen every day. I have too many responsibilities. Too much time on the computer fulfilling them. I thought staff would help me so I hired people. Now I spend time looking after them. (They do make life easier to some degree) I say no much more often now. Well actually I say, “I’m busy.”

    I have weaving projects I slowly work away at listening to audiobooks as I don’t have time to read. I cut down the amount if silkworms I raise from 10 000 to 5000 and now I do 2500. I reduced the size of the mulberry fields and moved them closer to the house.

    Be selfish and block out time for yourself. I suspect you are a generous guy and it eats up your time.

    Take care, Bryan

  • by Deanna

    Michael, you are an extremely talented artist and have done some wonderful things, even better you have shared them with all of us. We do slow down, but you are still able to continue and create. You are a loved and wonderful human being and you need to recognize that in yourself. Look at the beauty that you have created and enjoy it. When you are ready, you can create even more. Make time for you and what you want to do.

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